It’s funny how I find myself, saying things to myself so they make sense…….and yes, I answer myself back! It seems that after you have a baby, some of the nerves in your body just never reconnect together properly. I slur my words, I think the weirdest thoughts, I am constantly checking that I have the same two shoes on and my brain is a bit slower than before. Being a new mom isn’t about just a new baby, it takes on a whole lot more. Yes, there is a new person in the house, everyone’s sleep is goofy, the house is quieter and louder, there is another person to cook and clean for and all the wonderful love and playtime with that new littles. But have you ever stopped to think about all the “other” things that come with this new role? Well being that my littles is growing like a weed, I am at the stage where new things everyday are becoming…..I don’t want to use the word challenging, but half challenging and half new to me, so there are a lot of trials and errors.
Let’s start from the beginning………….
Choosing types of foods for your littles. You want the best for them, so you think organic, no problem. But what happens when you go out to eat? DO you bring him his organic food or do you order them something off the menu. When they go to some one else’s house, will have they his organic food. Will schools have organic food. So that takes you off in a whole other crazy direction and you start getting anxiety thinking about all the what if’s. You try hard to give him the best but soon he will exploring on his own and he may not always be able to eat a certain type of food.
Choosing a daycare/home care or “authorized” person to watch your bundle of joy. This is another stressful and anxietal situation. Yes, I made up that word, but it fits. Who, where, what to bring, for how long, how will they treat my child, is it clean, is it safe and how much does it cost. Besides the common questions, you will run into you being on one page and the daycare on the other. How do you calmly and without looking like an over controlling new mom discuss this new child care? How do I NOT roll my eyes when disgusted with something, how do I in a way that doesn’t sound crazy, ask them to do something a different way, will I like the teachers, how do they warm up food, how often do you change diapers. My inner monologue comes out and while on the drive to the interview at the new facility, I ask myself these questions and sort of pep talk myself into not looking like a freak. Or do you look in the mirror and say, calm down mom, everything is fine. He is happy and they are taking good care of him. My husband is always reassuring me when the situation is good, but for some reason, I can’t on my own do that for myself, why do I need his approval, so weird!
When it comes to his well being and if we need to be giving him vitamins or immunity supplements, does he have an ear ache, is he developing properly, why is he not sleeping that well tonight and sure enough the inner monologue starts coming out, saying things to myself inside where no one can hear the ominous conversation going on. I think of a million things that could be going on. I don’t know why I do it, but I do. Even when it comes to fun things, my mind plays out all these scenarios, like hurting himself, meeting a new friend will their parents be cordial. Sitting him down to play with some if his favorite toys while he’s having a blast I am wondering if there are other toys that he would like better. It’s literally like I have lost control of my own mind.
I am big on my lil guy having a pretty good schedule, not too tight, but I do like for others to conform to that, but is that boring or wrong? In my mind, we all conform to a certain schedule per se, it’s part of life. School is always at the same time and so is work later on in life. But am I doing more harm than good……enter monologue. Convincing myself of what I can’t control.
The hubby is a great help with littles and even tho I know the job is getting done, it’s my controlling ways that I say to myself, why is he doing it like that? It’s like I know I am being controlling, so that’s why my inner monologue has become my new best friend. I can say it to myself, if its sounds crazy I don’t repeat it out loud and I must say, it has saved me hundreds of arguments just NOT saying it!! I have found that after my son my inner thoughts have become blissfully happy and the total opposite of morbid. The morbid parts I think are me almost coming up with emergency plans in my head. For example, on the drive to and from home, there is a little area where there is a sharp turn in the road and water below that turn, what if it was icy and the car got out of control and we went down, what would I do, how would I protect my child. If an intruder were to break in, what do I do first and I know how ugly that sounds, but for me its my controlling brain that HAS to play out a “what if” and an escape plan. Sometimes I tell my hubby, other times I keep it to myself. If only I could record my inner thoughts and could listen to them. How would I feel?
Am I the only person who does this? Is it being a new mom just totally has me overwhelmed? I do not think I am to the point that I need professional help and by no means am I even slightly mentally unwell or cannot efficiently take care of my child but as a new mom, the fear and anxiety of the unknown is REAL people. As time has gone by and he is getting older it is slowly going away but enter a new situation and I promise that monologue is getting thick in here. I do think of the fun were all going to have as a family, all the school pictures he will have, the bike riding in the summer, the going to parks and playing with our dogs, the friends he will make at school all the great times that come with kids and yes that inner voice adds fuel to a beautiful fire. It truly does make me so happy to be a mom and I am thankful for him everyday. I hope that I am being the best mom to him that any woman could be. I hope that someday I can look back and think of how silly I sometimes can be. We are human and there are so many funny things we do, but that makes us powerful in my eyes.
Stay calm and inner monologue on moms…….love, laugh and don’t quit talking to yourself all while living in Nevada!